The third installment in the twilight series sees the vampire Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) return with an army of newly former vampires to kill Bella Swan (Kirsten Stewart). To protect her, Edward (Robert Pattinson) and his family must put aside their differences with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and the werewolves and fight this common enemy.
I’m not going to waste time repeating myself too much (if you want my opinion on the twilight series see my New Moon review here).
Sufficed to say, I don’t care for this series but I put up with it because the movies are usually unintentionally some of the funniest films to come out in a given year. This time not so much. This one was just dull. Nothing happens for about 1 1/2 hours followed by 3 minutes of action only to conclude with another 1/2 hour of boredom.
The Bella/Edward/Jacob love triangle was basically concluded at the end of the last one so i’m not quite sure why we needed to go over the same ground again other than for more brooding and shirtlessness.
Also they basically turned Jacob into a rapist in this one. The last film he was the new guy, he worked well with Bella, there seemed to be a good match and then Bella went back to Edward, as is the abuse victim’s prerogative, and the story ends. This time he’s saying things like “I’ll make you love me” and “better you be dead than be with him”. This chick really fucks people up and for no real discernible reason (blank little Mary Sue that she is).
Charlie (Billy Burke) was good as beacon of hope in this again but his scenes were few and far between. Anna Kendrick is good as the ditsy vally girl (once again her few scenes obliterating Stewart’s performance completely).
I will say this in favour of this film, it does flesh out the characters of Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) and Rosalie (Nikki Reed) this time around. All of the Cullens, except Edward and Alice (Ashley Greene) (to an extent), have had little to no characterisation and it was good finally to get some back story. I rather liked Jaspers. I would have preferred they made a film about his life as a civil war vampire.
This is going long but there’s one final thing I want to point out. The scene in the tent where Edward and Jacob talk while Bella sleeps opened up an avenue which I don’t understand why they don’t look into (well that’s not true, I know it’s because the books are one long pro-abstinence letter but I digress): why don’t they just both date Bella? or if they feel like pushing their boundaries, open up the bedroom to all 3 of them with some safe words being put into play? I mean it’s the 21st century, there are all kinds of non-traditional relationships going on out there now. The Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series by Laurell K Hamilton is, in some ways, just a stupid as the twilight one (especially with the reverse harem Anita seems to have going at this stage) but at least it takes a more logical/present day stance on the whole idea of a multiple partner relationships.
You could argue Edward is not from this time (which seems to be the main reason he keeps pushing for marriage) but evolve or die man. If you don’t attempt to assimilate with the present day people then you’re going to stick out like a sore thumb and attract attention wherever you go (which seems to be something the Cullens try to avoid).
Anyway to wrap this long rant up. The few good points don’t stop the mind crushing boredom of the rest of the film and it doesn’t have the riff track quality of a “so bad it’s good” film the two previous did. 0/5 as a regular film and 1/5 for riffing on.
P.S. Also no eclipse? What the Hell ???
P.P.S. I forgot to mention I counted how many times Kirsten Stewart bit her bottom lip in this film for something to do to pass the time. 53 times in 124 mins.